Revelation

I received a revelation today. That revelation caused a paradigm shift that I pray lasts forever. As I was thinking on the food I had seen on a commercial I had the thought, "I am not that person anymore". I am not the person who was ruled by food. I worshipped food. Food was the reason for rising in the morning and making it through hard situations that could be dealt with and disolved in healthy ways.

I have always longed to be a thin, healthy person who could jog, hike, scuba dive, and run marathons. I have longed in my heart to be able to be a triathlete. That was a point of insanity because my habit of indulging on fat soaked, sugar laden, salted food that was lacking any real nutrient value.

When I was choosing to stop at Jack in the Box on the way to work or home, I was choosing food that would take me in the opposite direction to the life I longed for. When I chose butter soaked toast and breads, brown sugar covered oatmeal, bags of chips, half gallons of ice cream, I was choosing the exact opposite of who I longed to be. This caused a disconnect in who I was and who I wanted to see myself as.

Another effect of the foods I was choosing were the ups and downs from carbs and sugar which also changed the way my brain released the serotonin which added to the deficiency I already deal with. The high fat foods I craved caused the need to slow down. Laziness. In effect I was choosing dis-ease over health, even though I longed for health.

So now when I see the foods I used to overeat and crave, I repeat, "I am not that person anymore". This gives me new perspective and new resolution to continue this fast. Praise God!  

Ahh Saturday!

I am enjoying my Saturday. For a long time, I had no boundaries and felt very frustrated when anyone bothered me on Saturdays. To me, this is a personal time to enjoy Kailee and rest and recover from the week. 

Before Optifast, I was so tired I would take 3-4 naps on Saturday and drink tons of water and try to feel better. 

Today, I actually feel up to cleaning and studying my Russian, online Bible courses through Ligoneer(sp) ministries and maybe take in a movie. 

I  used to have to turn my phone off. Now I can leave it on and leave messages until Monday that I feel intrude upon my time off. It took a couple of years to figure out a healthy place to set my boundaries. When to say no. When yes was okay with my boundaries. 

A funny thing, when I finally figured that out, I actually reduced most of the stress in my life. 

God is so GOOD

He has financially supplied for my Optifast Plan again. He is so good to me.

My energy level was more manageable today. I am so glad because I was a little concerned I was going to have to get my medications adjusted. It is such a fine balance and it took us a year to hit this one. My other concern was that this is only the first week. If food is playing that much of a role in my anxiety and depression, I would not want to adjust meds every week. I want to wait until the end.

So many nutrients have an extreme condition on our moods. When you are over-eating, more often than not, you are eating to try and satisfy a feeling you don't know how to deal with. My counselor says, "How many trips to the refrigerator will fix the hurt you feel". "How many slices of pizza do you have to eat to fix your finances?"

You are essentially trying to fix an uncomfortable or painful situation or feeling with the wrong tool. Food is not it. Usually the tool is learning better communication skills, but can also be learning to budget, learning to feel your feelings and respond with the correct response. I am learning and relearning so much.

9.5 pounds

This week I am down to 233. Crazy. It has not been easy. Lots of obsessive thoughts. Extreme energy. The energy would be a good thing. But it is so much I am having to learn to refocus my thoughts often or I find myself working on 10 or more projects at once. Not very productive. My main tools are youversion.com, meditation and prayer. Youversion is an online bible & app with hundreds of bible reading and study plans. Right now I am reading the Bible in 90 days. I meditate on what I read and pray the verses back to God. This helps me to slow down and refocus. 

Thank you all for your continued prayer. 

Wow

I feel amazing. I have even more energy today. I feel like being around people. It really feels great. I really don't know if I have lost a bunch of weight, but I am really enjoying the health. Praise The Lord!

Adjusting

My body seems be adjusting to the regime. I didn't need a nap today, which was nice. My energy level was better than it has been for a long time. No headaches. My eyesight has definitely improved. They say that your blood sugar has an effect on your sight.

My mind is adjusting a little. My Russian class was cancelled and the first thing I thought of was eating. So one of my triggers is disappointment. I didn't eat. I need to learn appropriate behavior for disappointment. 

Praise God. At least some things are changing. I can't wait until my weigh in on Wednesday.  

This was a good day

Very little obsession today. Only with salt. I allowed myself a small bit of Rock salt and am feeling much better now. I got to walk with my friend again today. A great blessing. Still no headaches. Still a low energy level, but it was better. I went to church, took a nap, and walked. 

Praise God. I can do this. 

Another Hard Day

This was a tough one. More obsessing over food. More depression... It is funny how this feels like punishment. My head knows that it is good and that it will save my health. That I want to look good again. Feel good again. I have been physically better than in a long time. No headaches and the pain in my body has been less intense. So I know this is good. My will and emotion are a mess. Thinking of all of the food that I am missing. I know that food is a momentary pleasure and that this battle for my health will last a lifetime. If I don't get healthier I may have to give up my dream of serving as a missionary in Ukraine. The 20 months of Russian lessons all for naught. So I am not giving up. I will struggle on. I fed on God's word today. It calmed me for a little while, but the mind wins out often.

Bad & Good

Today was good because I woke up without a headache for the first time in a month. The blurriness in my eyes seems to be improving. I had energy for the first half of the day. 

Bad because I was soooo hungry from 3 o'clock on. I kept thinking of sandwiches and spam. Weird what a person is hungry for. I lost energy about 2:00 and took a nap on my lunch hour. I made it to 3:30 and couldn't think anymore so I came home. 

The best thing was getting to walk with my friend Sue. I haven't seen her for months. Thank you God. 

Day 1

Day one has been hard. It is not hard not to eat. It is hard because I am normally obsessive and I am obsessing about food right now. I don't want to eat it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I have not been really hungry until this evening. The doctor said this should pass after about three days.

This afternoon I was very tired and just wanted to sleep. I took a short nap during lunch. Tonight I want to sleep so I don't think about food. I let myself drift for a little while, then I made myself get up. I am going to do up the few dishes I have to do. I am really loving that:

1. I don't have more than 2 or 3 dishes to wash.
2. I don't have to think about what is for any meal.
3. I don't have to go grocery shopping.
4. My car is cleaner because there  are no more energy drink cans or snacks.

I think it will also be easier when I start seeing results from the work. The group one week ahead of me lost 10-14 pounds the first week. A lot of water, granted, but weight that won't come back. I have some clothes I really would like to wear again. I should be able to zip up the pants next week some time. Praise God!

First Shake

Well... Can't really call it a shake, more like a milk. Vanilla is not bad. I weighed in at 242.5 today. 1.5 pounds lost in the last week just by journaling what I ate. 

It is time to do the hard work. Not the fasting but the mental work. Time to work the program and dig out all the emotional issues that cause me to run to my food. The battle really is in the mind you know. Or the heart, as the Scriptures call it. The physical can be overcome. The mind is where the healing has to happen. And God heals the mind. If we let Him. 

1 More Day

It feels like months in coming. I am so ready for this challenge. A little nervous, but confident in my God. He continues to provide in glorious ways. 

Ughhhh Excercise

I am hurting. My first 10 minute walk this morning and my back and hip are throbbing. Could be the 12-15 times up and down the stairs at work too... Hmm...

Thank you for your prayers. God is motivating me in huge ways. My goal is to run a 5k... I really don't see that at this moment, but through Him anything can happen. Two more days till the fast begins. 

Request For Support

Dear Friends and Family,

I am in the Positive Choice Weight Management Program learning how to change my actions, thoughts, and feelings as they relate to food and eating. In order to reach my goal of taking charge of my weight. I need your support and encouragement.

You can encourage me by complimenting me whenever you notice me taking positive actions such as exercising, keeping records of my eating, or drinking the OPTIFAST supplement. Please try to notice when I am doing something other than eating and congratulate me.

You can support me by not finding fault or criticizing program. It has been found that words of advice, suggestions or wisecracks usually cause more harm than good. Please don't say such things as "That stuff must be terrible to drink" or "A green salad can't hurt; just have a bite."

I need experience using the new behaviors I am learning. Please include me in social activities while I am fasting.

Thank you for your support and encouragement.

Love,

Donna

Responses to Why I Eat

I need to have a battle plan for the times that I overeat and/or make bad choices, so here it goes:

• Financial stress - enough said
• Stay within budget
• Pray and leave it with God
• Celebration - I went to te grocery store! I fixed a crazy hard problem!
• Find another atta girl...
• a magazine?
• a new video game?
• Feasting - Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays
• bring a healthy option and stick to it
• what is a good replacement for cake???
• Work Stress - mostly unresolved conflict
• continue to learn to go to the person and talk
• when talking doesn't work, pray and leave it with God
• if it is a big thing take the person and go to someone in charge
• Pain - Pain from my CREST syndrome, arthritis
• stretch
• hot shower
• hopefully the pain gets better with wiser food choices and weight loss
• Depression - I have chemically induced depression
• walk
• call someone
• blog
• make an appointment with my doctor
• Rebellion - I don't care if I am unhealthy! I don't care if my clothes fit!
• master the rebellious child - just kidding
• hopefully once I start losing weight this snotty child won't rear her head
• Cravings - mostly bread and butter, cheese, and caramel
• time it and see how long it lasts
• don't obsess - do something to break the obsession
• call someone
• Disappointment - crazy circumstances, hurting children, failure 
• pray and leave it with God
• try and see the bigger picture

Empowerment

If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind.

‘Finished last’ will always be better than ‘Did not finish’, which always trumps ‘Did not start.’

Most great things in your life won’t happen by chance, they will happen by choice.

Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin.  Beginning makes the conditions perfect.

If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.

The most important thing for me is having a relationship with God. To know that the owner, the creator of the universe loves you, sent His Son to die for your sins; that's very empowering. Knowing Him and knowing that He loves me gives me encouragement and confidence to move forward.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/empowering.html#yp3omt0Btlvc38Qj.99 

Why I Overeat

I have really been paying attention to the reasons I feel like overeating. I pray that God brings more to mind so I can formulate some healthy responses.

• Financial stress - enough said
• Celebration - I went to te grocery store! I fixed a crazy hard problem!
• Feasting - Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays
• Work Stress - mostly unresolved conflict
• Pain - Pain from my CREST syndrome, arthritis
• Depression - I have chemically induced depression
• Rebellion - I don't care if I am unhealthy! I don't care if my clothes fit!
• Cravings - mostly bread and butter, cheese, and caramel
• Disappointment - crazy circumstances, hurting children, failure 

Agh Exercise

Exercise has always been a nice idea. I have had dreams of running marathons or being a triathlete. I guess that personifies the "healthy person" for me. I have at times had an exercise routine but as soon as I go through a flare up of CREST syndrome, the habit dies never to be resurrected. 

I must make exercise a habit. I have to in order to have the health I ultimately seek. I pray that God gives me the will to move.  To walk. To run. To live in health. Only He can do it. I can't do it on my own. 

First Meeting

I went to my first meeting tonight. There is a wide variety of people in our group. Some who are on the second 20 weeks, some who, like me, are starting for the first time. Some who gained the weight back and are doing it again. 

I think the biggest lesson tonight was the amount of guilt that comes with food. The people around us mean well, but with well meaning comments and suggestions can help to cause failure. For me, some foods are like alcohol. I am a believer in Christ who struggles with food addiction. An alcoholic can't take another drink. I am surrounded with the foods I enjoy, but I cannot eat them. They mean poor health. Limited capacity. Possibly death from fatty liver disease or kidney failure. 

So what I guess I am saying is don't feel bad about eating in front of me or "wish" I could take a bite. I am choosing health, and I am quite satisfied by that. I don't need to celebrate occasions with food. I celebrate with relationships. Don't feel bad if I can't taste what you made. A piece of any food will stop me from attaining the health I so desperately seek. Fasting works on the process of ketosis which will stop if I eat food. 

I am ready. I am excited to get started. Fasting begins next Wednesday night. Countdown begins. Praise God. 

More Blessings

Things are really tough financially starting this plan. I was really stressed the last few days about being able to pay my rent and pay the first week, but my God took care of it. He knew what I needed and supplied. Praise Him. I am really looking forward to my meeting tomorrow night. 

Amazing Day

Wonderful how God works everything out. 2 groups were starting this month for Optifast. One meets for the next 20 weeks on Wednesday mornings. One meets Wednesday evenings at the exact same time as my Russian class. I thought about taking the Wednesday morning class and even talked to my boss about coming in at noon those days. He is so good and said we could work it out. I could tell he was not thrilled though. I called Positive Choice and told them I would need to take the evening class, not knowing what I would do about Russian. While I was waiting for a call back there was an email from my Russian Language classmate asking if we could meet Thursdays. Wow. I wlll be attending my first class Wednesday night for Optifast. I can't wait. God is so good. 

The beginning

Last month I realized I was finally ready to face my weight issue again.

The year of 2010 I lost 60 pounds. I was not losing it for myself, but to save a failing marriage. Rob and I had been together almost 20 years. He had, in 2008, started seeing a woman he had previously been enamored with at work. By 2010 I knew I was losing him and I knew my weight was a big issue with him. I started Scripps weight management and quickly lost 60 pounds. I strutted my new body around, trying to tempt him. It didn't work. It was too late. On the morning of September 30 he drove away, taking only his dog. I told him when he crossed the Virginia State line, it was over. I filed for divorce. I also started eating. A lot. I have, as of this month, gained it all back.

I enrolled in Kaiser's Optifast last month. Twenty weeks of liquid diet. A year of meetings. A year of maintenance lessons. No more bread... fresh, homemade bread... made by Kailee and myself on Saturdays. No more ice cream dinners. No more Hans and Harry visits, just for a little joy. It is time to deal with a problem I have had my entire life. I have been overweight as long as I can remember (except for 2010). Food meant comfort. Family. Reward. It covered feelings. Relieved stress.

This is the beginning of my journey. I started my first food/behavior log today. I start my support group Wednesday evening - preempting my Russian classes. I am hoping Russian can move to another night. I start my liquid diet Wednesday, June 19. I hope to learn a lot. God has chosen this tool for me. I hope to honor Him by sharing.

I have been told many things by people already. Can I share a few that don't help?

• I knew someone who tried Optifast <<insert name here>> gained all of the weight back.
• That is not healthy.
• That is too hard.

I have researched. I have prayed. This is where God led me. Unless you have something encouraging to say, please keep it to yourself. Thank you.