Broken parts

I am returning to a point in my life where I have been before. I have fears and emptiness that need to be dealt with and it causes me great anxiety. I know I look good now and I return to places in my head that are scary for me. 

Last night at group I hit the tip of dealing with the panic I feel when others tell me that I am attractive. My two past marriages have been full of emotional abuse. I was attracted to men with mental issues in the past. My first husband was emotionally unavailable and I ran to food, alcohol and drugs to fill the emptiness I felt inside. I had children to fill the emptiness, to escape the violence. I didn't seek God at that time. 

My second marriage was much more unhealthy and full of jealousy from my husband. He made unreasonable demands and concocted horrible punishments for perceived indiscretions that were not real. Not true. I gained weight to put distance in between us because the pain of dealing with him was too great, the violence was to be feared. I binged. I tried to feed a longing for emotional care and attachment. Of course, food didn't fill that.  It just drew more ugliness. When I started to seek God, I grew healthier. For a little while, my last husband began to seek God too. Our marriage was good for the first time in my life. We healed and grew together. Then he turned his back on God and went back to his fears, anxiety, sickness and violence. Like a dog returning to his own vomit.  I did not. I continued to grow healthier. He finally just couldn't take it that I was too healthy for him, god moved him. His heart became too hard. He left to a place where he could continue in his sickness. 

I am left with a much better life. God is healing the broken parts of me as I am well enough to face them. This period will be much harder. I have reached a place where I am unconsciously sabotaging my weight loss. It is coming into the light, whether I want it to or not. Please pray for me as I battle mind, flesh and the devil for my health. As I cling to God, trying to look at my old habits and patterns that keep me fat, fearful and unhealthy. 

God is my reward.  God is my shield. I cling to Genesis 15:1 with everything that I have within me. He is my hiding place. He is my healing. He is my emotional stability. He is my reason for living a holy life. He supplies all of my needs. Through Him, I will never again live with abuse. I will never again be afraid to wake up, afraid to go to sleep, afraid to live, afraid to walk out of my own house. His perfect love casts away all fear. I will learn to allow God to heal the bitter disappointment from my childhood. From the wreckage of the past. 

New Life

God has given me new life. I have health and energy that I have never known. I asked for healing for many years. Many have prayed on my behalf. God has shown me healing. Please continue to pray with me that as I soon begin eating again, I will be able to manage my food. It is easier to say no to everything, than to choose the right things. 

190.0

1.5 more pounds down. 20 more to go until I am not overweight anymore. Wow. Crazy. I have had yoga 2x now and I love it. I also enjoy the treadmill and lifting weights. I am really changing. Praise God!!

Blessed

I had to share a blessing with you all.

In July the man who takes care of my tires told me that I had to replace them soon. As you know, I am on this medically supervised fast. It is not cheap, but it is necessary. 

I could not afford tires. So I was careful, and mindful, asked God for help and waited. 

Yesterday when I walked out of work my brain was problem solving. I did not notice the white envelope on my car until I arrived home. The owner(s) of the envelope arranged for four tires for my car and gave me directions on where to go.

As I sit watching the work in my car, I am overcome by your love and the LOVE of our Father. Praise God. 

This Exercise Stuff...

...isn't half bad. Went to a yoga class yesterday at the Y and loved it. While I was lulled into a false sense of comfort by thinking yoga was a gentle stretching session... Don't you believe it... 

By the end of 55 minutes I was drenched in sweat and had burned over 300 calories. Great stuff. I love the treadmill also. As I get more in shape, I will try more variety. 

Really, get out and try something. It is worth it. 

191.5

Getting closer. Little by little. I feel so good now though. I am really having sustained energy throughout the day. Yoga class for the first time tomorrow. Looking forward to it? Weird....

Exercise has become... Fun?

I was really looking forward to the gym today. Very strange. Before it has been a struggle. "Need to go to the gym... Well, I have to do <whatever> first... Should go to the gym... After I finish<whatever>..."And  so on until I have no more time. Today, I had a blood pressure check, a hair appt. and then I was going to the gym. I had everything but my shoes. Usually that would be more than enough reason not to go. But today I actually ran home, grabbed my shoes, and went. Has to be God. That is definitely not me. Praise God! Victory!

Feeling Great!

I love going to the gym. I really wanted to go again today but I know myself and if I push too hard, I will burn out soon. Hopefully tomorrow. I have such problem with weather, even here in San Diego. Too hot and I get dizzy and sick, too cold and my extremities turn dark purple from the Reynauds syndrome that I suffer with.   I love being able to use the treadmill and listen to RC Sproll while I walk. I love the machines. I pray that the cost won't hurt my family. I really feel it is necessary though. I will never get into a habit of exercise otherwise with all of the stops and starts. Thank you GOD for the gym. 

I joined a gym...

I went down to the YMCA by work and joined. I am committed to 3x a week. I will learn to use the treadmill, the spinney thing with the big wheel. I will swim. I will do my strength training. It is the only way to keep this weight off. I want to be and stay healthy. After I work myself up from 5 kind of crunches and 1 girl push-up I will join a class. I will do it this time. I will not, after the third week take a day off. Then another. Then finally I will not take weeks off until I don't even try anymore. I will do this. 

Exercise

It is time to start a program of exercise. I can feel it. I want to start the Couch 2 5k app, but I have to wait until the heat comes down a bit. We are going through our monsoon season. I started with basic strength yesterday. 5 push ups, 5 crunches, 5 jumping jacks, and 5 squats. I hope to increase to 10 of each next week and so on. I would really love to run the Carlsbad 5k next summer. 

I am recovering from the medication thing. I actually feel pretty good. On with the weight loss. 

Minor Setback

Two weeks ago I started really feeling tired. I had pretty low blood pressure but still on the normal side, everything else checked out okay. I guessed that stress was getting to me and tried to figure out what I could do.

On Thursday, I blacked out at work.  I made an appointment with my doctor and slept on the floor of my office until time to go. My friend Pat drove me and my doctor put me on an IV of fluids in her office. I was there for over three hours. She took me off three of my medications and placed me on bed rest for the weekend. We will do blood work next week and figure out what I need to start again. My meds were started when I was 246. I am now 200. I guess that makes a difference. 

Feeling much better today and even have enough energy to clean and stuff for the first time in 2 weeks. Praise God!!!