Christ is my Bridegroom

I may have touched upon this a few times before, but Christ is really showing me what it is to have Him as my bridegroom. 

I am the daughter of God and He showers me with the gifts to make myself pleasing to Him. I will not give those gifts to common man or idols. 

I am loved and cared for. Jesus prays for me at the right hand of the Father and knows my every need. My every desire. Intimately. He created me to glorify the Father. He knows my inmost thoughts, He knit me in my mother's womb. 

Jesus meets my every need with gifts that fill my soul, satisfy my hunger, quench my thirst. I will not move to fill those needs on my own. The things I choose leave my soul empty, my stomach growling, my throat and mouth dry...

I need to be careful of my relationships with the opposite sex, Christ is a jealous bridegroom. He desires to be my one and only. The only One that I run to to get my needs met. My highest love. My greatest desire. 

The refining fire doesn't give up at all...

Rough week number 2... I have gotten to the point that I just have to roll with it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't even really understand the whole battle so I have to let God fight this one for me and just have faith that He will bring about what is best. 

I almost had myself talked out of going to the gym tonight. I am so glad I went. It help to calm my mind. I still have no greater clarity, but I am definitely calmer. 

The fight for the last 16 pounds looms on. I think I may have to wait for the thyroid medicine to start working before I can lose more. I hope not. I guess if I can just maintain until then I am doing alright. 

Rough rough week...

Found out my hypothyroidism is rearing it's ugly head again... Could account for the very emotionally rocky week. I will call the doctor tomorrow. 

Though the week was wrought with turmoil, my shakes were on time, I drank 3+ liters of water a day and I exercised 6 out of 7 days. 30+ minutes on cardio & 20+ minutes on weights. Praise The Lord. It is becoming habit. My morning weight is 176.6. 

Closer to reality

I am 10 pounds away from eating real food.  10 pounds from having to exert self control over my portions. Scary. I started visiting to gym at 6am last week. That works really well for me. I hope to keep it up this week. 30minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on resistance training for strength. That is the only way that I hope to keep exercise as a regular part of my life. 6 days a week it works really well, Sundays the gym is only open from 9-5 so I guess that is my rest day. Please pray that God gives me the motivation, strength, and determination to do this. 

183

Down 4.5 more pounds. They want me to start eating real food at 170. Not very far away. I am getting my thyroid test done tomorrow to make sure it is still good with no meds. 

The terrors are hard but not impossible. I am able to sit through the fear and pray that God meets whatever need I have at the moment. He always does. God is powerful and merciful and I am so in love with Him. 

Tough week...

I choose to live life out loud because I love to show what God does in my life. That means I must show my heartache along with my joy. 

I am struggling. I am back to losing weight again. I bought a scale for the house because I had to get a first morning weight. Apparently I missed something in class, our goal weight is supposed to be set on our first morning weight, not our Wednesday night weight. Wednesday night I was at 187.5. This morning I was at 181.8. I weighed when I got home Wednesday and my weight was the same as at class. The weight is not the struggle. 

I was suffering from terror all week. Just out of the blue. Not anything I could control, or stop. In Isaiah God tells Israel He will uphold them with His mighty right hand. I cling to that for myself too.  I started praying that instead of dreading the terror, I would ride it out while I sat in God's mightily right hand. I haven't had an attack since Wednesday. Praise God. I don't know if they will come again, but I know that when they do I don't have to face them alone. I also started feeling like I "needed" something. I tried eating on Saturday night. I took myself out to a Russian restaurant here in San Diego. I listened to ( and understood) the waitresses speaking Russian. I enjoyed Golubski and Pelmeni. It was nice. It didn't help the terror and longing. 

God says in His Word He will supply our need.  I started clinging to that. I prayed and asked God to meet whatever need I had burning within. He did and He will continue. I know that God hears my sing about "all I need is Him" all of the time. Pray as I attempt to actually live it.