Broken parts

I am returning to a point in my life where I have been before. I have fears and emptiness that need to be dealt with and it causes me great anxiety. I know I look good now and I return to places in my head that are scary for me. 

Last night at group I hit the tip of dealing with the panic I feel when others tell me that I am attractive. My two past marriages have been full of emotional abuse. I was attracted to men with mental issues in the past. My first husband was emotionally unavailable and I ran to food, alcohol and drugs to fill the emptiness I felt inside. I had children to fill the emptiness, to escape the violence. I didn't seek God at that time. 

My second marriage was much more unhealthy and full of jealousy from my husband. He made unreasonable demands and concocted horrible punishments for perceived indiscretions that were not real. Not true. I gained weight to put distance in between us because the pain of dealing with him was too great, the violence was to be feared. I binged. I tried to feed a longing for emotional care and attachment. Of course, food didn't fill that.  It just drew more ugliness. When I started to seek God, I grew healthier. For a little while, my last husband began to seek God too. Our marriage was good for the first time in my life. We healed and grew together. Then he turned his back on God and went back to his fears, anxiety, sickness and violence. Like a dog returning to his own vomit.  I did not. I continued to grow healthier. He finally just couldn't take it that I was too healthy for him, god moved him. His heart became too hard. He left to a place where he could continue in his sickness. 

I am left with a much better life. God is healing the broken parts of me as I am well enough to face them. This period will be much harder. I have reached a place where I am unconsciously sabotaging my weight loss. It is coming into the light, whether I want it to or not. Please pray for me as I battle mind, flesh and the devil for my health. As I cling to God, trying to look at my old habits and patterns that keep me fat, fearful and unhealthy. 

God is my reward.  God is my shield. I cling to Genesis 15:1 with everything that I have within me. He is my hiding place. He is my healing. He is my emotional stability. He is my reason for living a holy life. He supplies all of my needs. Through Him, I will never again live with abuse. I will never again be afraid to wake up, afraid to go to sleep, afraid to live, afraid to walk out of my own house. His perfect love casts away all fear. I will learn to allow God to heal the bitter disappointment from my childhood. From the wreckage of the past.