Your Childhood Shapes You

My childhood has shaped some of the ways that I have related with food and other things. I was the oldest of three until my late teens. Then the oldest of four. At the age of 7 my daddy died. I remember him before his death. I would go to the bowling alley with him. He treated me as his son. I went fishing. I rode on his shoulders. He also scared me. He was an alcoholic and he and my mom would have terrible fights. He left for a few days at least once. 

I woke to my mom screaming and my dad lying on the floor next to his bed. The ambulance came. They took him away. He died of a massive coronary. It would be years before I could hear a siren with out having anxiety attacks. Mom changed. She was distant and out of control. I know of at least twice that she gathered us up and took us on wild rides looking for my dad in the stars. And ran from Satan. After a short while mom left for a hospital and us kids went to foster care. My grandparents fought for us and my sister and I ended up with my aunt and uncle. My brother was 3 and lived with my mom and grandparents. My sister was 4 and suffered terribly during this time. She was punished for things beyond her four year old control. I would try to protect her to no avail. It was during this time that I began a pattern of teasing her to try and get her to quit crying. I found hat she would either laugh or get angry. At least she was beyond punishment. In later years this teasing became a habit of both my brother and myself. It would leave her with shame and myself with guilt that I later realized followed her into adulthood. 

From the years following, I continued to pattern my behaviors in ways that attempted to control my surroundings. I figured out how people ticked and tried to keep behaviors even.  No outburst of any emotion was comfortable for me. I became depressed early in my teenage years and attempted to self medicate with drugs, alcohol, and food. Anything would do. Anything to stop the internal pain I felt. Pain I didn't know how to handle. I escaped home at 17 to marry a young, angry, irresponsible husband. I was young, depressed, and irresponsible. Not a good combination. 

As I grew older, I continued to self medicate and try and "help" people that didn't want help. I could see potential in people I was with and became obsessed with helping them. Their inability to get better caused more pain. I had quit drugs, but continued to drink and eat to excess to shut the feelings of. To shut off the voice of suicide in my head.  Even as early as 10 I remember praying to God that He would just take me. As my children grew and I struggled to control severe depression and anxiety, I quit drinking after several scary episodes. I continued to reward myself with comfort foods. The autoimmune disease that I have began to rear it's ugly head and I became very sick. 

I entered into another codependent relationship that was damaging to both my children and myself. I gained a lot of weight sneaking treats baking and binging when my emotions were out of control. 

It has only been in the past 6 years that God has healed me from years of fear, anger, mistrust, and seemingly irreparable damage. Making Jesus Lord over my life and then trusting my life to His control has removed most traces of fear. Making my amends has brought relief from anger and guilt. Mistrust has melted. The damage has scarred over and only serves as a reminder of how not to live. 

I do not need to cope through food anymore. When I am not feeling well or am under stress I am learning not to run to the comfort foods and binge. I am releasing old unhealthy coping mechanisms in favor of healthy new ones. I needed this time away from food to see this clearly. I praise God loudly for this. He has healed me of yet another painful time in my life.